It took me almost four long years to learn to love myself... well maybe not so. I have always loved myself, but I also lost myself in loving someone who didn't love me back. It was all by accident. It wasn't love that I was looking for, but still love that I found.
When I say I was thrown away, this man may not see it in the same way. I'm quite sure the way he sees it is he and I had an "arrangement" and I just got caught in my feelings. Not so... in actuality I fought it the entire time we decided to be part time lovers. For some stupid reason, I turned my feelings off of what I wanted and onto what he wanted. This, even though I honestly did not know if he knew what he wanted. There were plenty of signs. Unfortunately he was not the type to come straight out and just say what he didn't want. In fact this man gave me so many mixed signals I needed a Dramamine everytime we had one of our rendezvous.
Every day, we are choosing. We may not choose our circumstances, but we choose how we react. In fact, the only thing truly within our control is ourselves and our choices. It’s all we have.
So even when other people hurt us, when our pain is the direct result of someone else’s choices, the choice is still ours whether we let that pain suffocate us, or if we let it go. Move on. Forgive.
For far too long, I felt the pain and emotional bruising from distant moments I should have long-since forgiven as sharply as if they had just happened yesterday. For far too long, I held onto resentment, blaming others for my choices.
The choice to numb the pain with too much alcohol too often. The choice to keep traveling when my body screamed to slow down. The choice to spend undue time and emotional energy on relationships that weren’t meant for me.
I was all too aware of my faults, and for far too long, I had done nothing to correct them. I was
One of the things I liked the most was his confidence, but in turn he was not confident at all... he was led by the nose by a manipulating person who didn't herself want to be with him, but could not stand that he had moved on and was making life changes without her. He may think I know nothing about this woman, but after receiving a long letter explaining her true feelings, I knew all I needed to know.
In the course of our relationship I took him back twice. The first time after he "broke things off" with this other woman and the second time when I thought friendship alone would be enough. It's not that it wasn't, but that he still was not "free" to be a friend to another woman... I tell you the insecurities of this woman were staggaring! The second time I took him back it was at a far distance as I learned to heal my heart. He found what we were trying to do with another person and seems to have a wonderful relationship/friendship with her, yet he could not find this with me because we were too close for comfort... I know this all sounds so cryptic and it really is. He was ashamed he was with me, you cannot tell me otherwise-- he couldn't convince me otherwise. He through me away via an email... nothing could have hurt more. I knew it was all over at the worst possible time. I had just received terrible news and he coldly turned his shoulder and expected me to understand. It was entirely hurtful and insensitive to my feelings not only as a woman, but as his lover for almost a year.
Normally I would have jumped on the next man that came along, but that was not me. That was not something I wanted. I was not prepared for the drought LOL! That's another time that self love became a good friend. I had come to feel that I lost my friend. Still I chose to keep him in my life in a small way totally associated to our initial agreement. In this I learned that I rather love and be loved by none other than me. For a while, I thought I gave up on believing in love... I even convinced myself that I wasn't ever in love with this man, but that is such a huge lie because I still think of him. But I think more of me and what I am trying to do in my life.
I have a wonderful life ahead of me. With or without him. So have I left room in my heart for him? Well I never removed him from the space I had. I have though increased the love I have for myself. This is the beginning of Self Love
